In the Spring of 1997 I spent a month in Greece. One of the lasting impressions I carry from that is a renewed sense of how isolated American men are. In Greece every morning and afternoon the men get together in groups of 4 -10 and discuss the news of the day and anything else of interest. The men greet each other warmly, with hugs and an occasional kiss on the cheek. The men spend hours a day with other men, just talking and listening.
Now there are some problems with this, don't get me wrong. For instance where are the women in the evenings? At home cooking and taking care of the children. Why don't the men do that? That is an age old question I do not have the answer to.
While I was in Greece I had the oporatunity to talk with a homicide detective. He was very nice and informative. He had worked for ten years as a NYC detective before moving back to his home country. We talked about the differences in the countries from his perspective. One of the main differences he pointed out was the low rate of homicide compared to U.S. A. His interpretation of that was due to the gun laws of Greece. You cannot just walk into a store fill out an appliction and in five days buy a handgun. Handguns are only legally available to police, security and bodyguards. I know that laws do not keep the hardcore criminals from getting guns, but it does keep them out of more than 90% of the homes.
When I changed the subject to domestic violence I learned that Greece does have their share of domestic violence, but it is much less than our society. We talked about why that was. He said that because the men get together every evening they get to know each man intimately. When a man in their group starts to get out of control the other men will not tolerate that. It becomes a self correcting situation. Also the women of Greece will not tolerate that and they also get together daily to discuss life. If a woman is battered it is not kept a secret.Keeping domestic violence a secret feeds the environment that allows domestic violence to happen.
I learned a lot talking with him, and I have tried to think of ways to reduce the isolation I experience in this society. I know that part of the isolation revolves around our societies homophobic attitude. If I give another man a hug what will the rest of the guys think? I once worked with a great teacher that knew this and his response was to teach the men in our groups to hug from the knees to the forehead. He always had a good laugh when he watched one of us welcome a new man to the group. We would give him a full body hug, and almost every new guy would want to disconnect and back away. So we usually waited a few minutes before initiating hugs. Let him get a feel for the group, in a figurative if not literal way.
I write about this for a serious reason. The way men in our society have been taught to be afraid of homosexuality (like it is contagious) automatically creates isolation. This can also be wrapped back around to look at how the media presents the image of what a "man" looks and acts like. When I allow myself to limit my interactions with other men based on how I think society may judge that interaction I am not acting from a position of empowerment. I have to learn to interact with other men based on what the nature of our relationship is. While I was living in Seattle, teachingWomen's Self-Defense I was close to the other male instructors; we all gave each other big hugs whenever we met. Not a worry at all about what "society" would think about it. Now I will agree that Seattle is a very liberal town, but it should be OK in every town to greet your friends in any fashion you are comfortable with. We do not think twice if we see two women greet each other with hugs. Why should it be different for men?
The way that we greet each other can also be seen as a reflection of the level of sharing we enjoy with our friends. Think about that for a second. If I am hesitant to greet someone enthusiastically what are the chances that I will be willing to share my secrets or my fears with that friend?
I think it is a statement of our societies homophobia that men are much more willing to share emotions and fears with women than with other men. And it is not that men are willing to share that deeply with women. From what I hear it sounds like it is usually easier to pull teeth from a rooster... Sharing emotions and fears creates bonds. If I am connected to and care about other men someone might think I am gay. As if that is "wrong" or "bad." But from my own experience I know that developing connections and sharing with other men is a very rewarding experience, I do not care what their sexual preference is. I care where their heart is at.
So how can men in our modern day society work towrds developing and deepening connections with other men? One good way is to look for healthy mens groups. I specify healthy because some mens groups are nothing other than a place to bitch and particpate in "women bashing." That type of behavior does nothing other than to promote violence, in one form or another.
Take the risk to open up to a male friend that you feel is safe. Tell him what you expect from him regarding confidentiality. Few things can burn you as quickly as an unmentioned assumption about confidentiality. Disarm that threat before it is a serious problem. Use this as a time to practice opening up and sharing and more importantly learning to actively listen without judgement. That is always so much easier to say than to do. I find it helpfull to acknowledge when I cannot listen without judgement. But by telling that person where I am with that fact, I have a better chance of keeping it under control, and they know what I am dealing with. Unmentioned assumptions almost always lead to problems. Unmet expectations lead to anger. Anger in and of itself is not a problem, the problem comes from how we deal with that anger.
If I cannot give myself permission to express my anger it does not just go away. It goes "inside" where it waits to find a way out. Sometimes it may wait years to find it's way out; then it may come out in the form of disease and or other physical complications. Our society is finally starting to acknowledge the link between the physical and the mental aspects of our lives.
A paragraph ago I mentioned that "unmet expectations lead to anger," I would like to expand that thought for a moment or two.
When I have an expectation for any given situation I need to think about what it will mean to me if that expectation is met, and what it will mean to me if that expectation is not met. What meanings will I take from that? Will that unmet expectation affect my self-image? Will that effect be positive or negative? How can I get clear on the expectations I carry and on their consequences to my world view? Are these expectations realistic?
I also need to think about how will I react if these expectaions are not met? Will anger serve any useful purpose? Would anger actually be a mask for something else that would be harder to face?
Anger can be a very healthy emotion. It is appropriate to be angry about sexual abuse. The important part to keep in mind, in my opinion, is what am I going to do with that anger, and how can I express it in a healthy manner?